Social Rejection

I remember looking down the hallway in middle school as two girls turned away from my older sister, leaving her out of their conversation and walking down the hallway without her when she was clearly trying to engage with them. I could see my sister was hurt. I never told my older sister I saw this because I did not want her to be embarrassed. But it made me feel really sad, and it made me want to always include everyone, which is of course, an impossible feat.

Recently, I was left out. I understand that everyone will be left out at some point or another, but that doesn't mean it ever feels good. Normally I can easily brush off being left out, and understand that it is most likely not about me. Even if it were about me, I know I am not for everyone and I am pretty comfortable with that at this point in my life.

But for some reason, it stung pretty badly this time I was left out. I headed out for a solo run and shortly after starting, I ran into two people from my running group. Naturally, I excitedly turned around to run with them. They were suddenly silent. I knew we ran around the same easy pace, so I thought I would say hi and run with them for a little while or for a long while, depending on where everyone was at in their long run. They were further along in their workout, so I joined for just a small part of the run and turned off to finish my run as they turned to go visit a mutual friend. That friend they were visiting also had recently been ignoring my texts. I gave that friend grace because her partner was dying of cancer. But this felt like a pile up of rejection. They could have invited me along or they could have been direct and said that they were wanting to catch up on things, just the two or three of them. I would have happily left them alone.

Several years ago, when I set out to do improv, I was excluded from so many groups. I knew I loved comedy but wasn't sure how to get stage time to develop my skills because the stages were so out of reach for me. I was not allowed to get on the better shows or stages in the improv scene and it seemed like it was because I did not fit the general aesthetic of the people in the scene. I did not look like them, so I was left out. And to me, that felt like the reason I was rejected. I knew it wasn't personal but it did leave me feeling a bit disheartened. Eventually, I had to find another outlet for my comedy.

When I first started performing standup, very few people would speak to me, unless they wanted to sleep with me. It took me a while to even realize that the guys who were immediately paying attention to me were trying to date me. I had to show up at open mics for months before many people were willing to have a conversation with me. But, no one stopped me from getting on stage and creating and performing. There were not as many guards around stage time as had existed in improv. I did not have to be accepted by people to get stage time (just persistent, in some cases). I still occasionally feel sharply excluded by the people in the standup scene, but even if I feel left out somewhere, there is always a stage I can find to get some space for my voice and my creative work.

It felt like I had to start this same process of being rejected and finding my place again with the running group after returning to Minnesota from Florida. I went to the running group and felt edged out of conversations. People brushed me off when I ran up to them and tried to join their group of runners. They started talking about their personal best times as though there was no possible way I should be able to run next to them. They would take off running before I could join their group. It all was so sad to me. I knew if this was happening to me, it was happening to any runner who tried to run with the group.

Because I did not know why I felt so triggered by my running acquaintances rejecting me on my solo run that day and generally feeling left out when I would show up at the group, I turned to EMDR for help. Even though I was being left out, I knew it was unusual for me to take it so personally. The rejection had triggered an emotional reaction from something that happened when I was young. If I were rejected by my mom, this would mean that I would not have anyone to care for me. For a child, that would mean no food or shelter which really has a greater effect than feeling rejected in adult relationships. Before EMDR, I had not been able to draw the connection. But as soon as I could draw the connection, the strength of my reaction in the present moment faded.

I was able to remember the positive moments I have had with the running group. I remembered how the runs with the group helped me get through the winter after I left my ex. I remembered how quickly I bonded with some of the women there because of our shared love of running. The rejections I felt before did not feel personal anymore and I could go back to the group runs and enjoy running with people again. I could be the one to reach out and speak to new people at the group runs, too. I felt empowered instead of excluded.

That empowerment has extended to me being able to let go of friendships that I am not able to support, too. In the past, I would cling to these relationships that were not working for one reason or another, desperately afraid of making a person feel "rejected" by me.

A few days ago, I told a friend I did not have the bandwidth for a friendship with him. That was the first time I had ever been so direct with a friend. My life is so full of things I love that it is hard for me to make time for someone who exists completely outside of those hobbies.

I never knew I could say something quite so direct like this. But I knew I would respect someone who could say that. I knew I would want someone to say that to me if that were the case. I would prefer to know the truth than to be regularly brushed off or worse yet, have someone hang out with me because they felt bad for me or guilty if they weren't spending time with me.

In the past, I would reluctantly go and do something I was straining to make time for or cancel at the last minute because I had too much on my plate and neither of those options is good for either person in the relationship. I am so grateful to have grown to a place where I am capable of expressing my needs in this way, and for recognizing when a relationship is stretching me beyond my bandwidth or not fitting into my life for one reason or another. Just like the rejection I have experienced, it ultimately is not an attack on my friend. I trust now that however someone reacts to me expressing my boundaries is something for them to manage. It is not my responsibility to deny my own wants and needs to try and protect someone. It feels like a big departure from my old ways for me and I am excited to see where it will take me.

That deep pact I made with the universe and my sister when I saw her get rejected by middle schoolers somehow affected adult Lauren's behaviors. But now, I can show young Lauren another way.