Quick life update
It has been so long since I have written a post. I would like to say that it is because I have been doing so much standup and putting my creative energy there. But if I am very completely and totally honest, the real and embarrassing reason I have not written a post is that the vortex of social media has sucked me in again. When I use social media to connect with other comedians and fans for standup, it can be so difficult to avoid doing any mindless scrolling. There is a lot of funny stuff in my feed! It is an ongoing journey for me to figure out how to manage it.
I have started taking phone breaks on Sunday, and that is likely why I finally found myself at my blog page today. The phone break always feels so good. My anxiety drops off and I no longer feel I have to make "perfect" use of my day. Time feels more expansive and I have a sense of ownership over my existence.
The last few weeks, I have been wrestling with how to manage my free time. I love running and the running group, but I love standup more. I know I want to put more energy into standup, but sometimes I feel conflicted. Many comedians are very dysfunctional and sometimes their behavior makes me feel like I should get away from the community altogether. When I want to escape the dysfunction, I try to go see my running friends and end up feeling exhausted from trying to do too much again. I don't want to fit the stereotype of the sad and unhealthy comedian, but my body and heart keep dragging me back to standup. I am just working on trusting that I will find the right balance in time.
A few weeks ago, I had a dream I moved to New York City and I was terrified. But in my dream, when I got to an open mic there, I felt at peace and I knew I would be okay. When I got out of bed after waking from this dream and started getting ready for the day, my mind took me back to a day several years ago. I was driving from my job at the running store to the acme open mic. I had been getting stage time every week, so I knew I might get stage time that day, but I was scared because I had nothing prepared. And then the billboards I drove by suddenly seemed hilarious to me. My whole set ended up being me reading the billboards I had driven by with absurd twists to them. The audience loved it. It felt like such reassurance that as long as I took the chance and showed up and did something that scared and excited me, the universe would support me. All I had to do was keep showing up and keep trusting that still, quiet inner voice.
On Friday, after a tough day at work with layoffs (I was not affected but people close to me were), standup provided such an incredible outlet for me. It allowed me to process the pain and transform it and I could tell the audience there was transported for a while, too. That is something I really love about standup. Every time we are all there together, we can take a break from all of our worries and just laugh and connect. We can laugh at the things that would be so difficult to carry if we only took them seriously and tried to carry them alone.