Pawns, I'd say

Advice for couples who are getting divorced and have children together

Children can be weaponized in divorce if you’d like. Children can be thought of as assets in the fight against your ex, or persons to be turned against your soon-to-be ex. Keep this in mind when you are thinking of leaving your partner and start pointing out the things your future ex does that are “wrong.” Share these flaws as often as you can with your children. Their brain isn’t developed enough to see where you may be wrong. All they know is that they need food, shelter, and love.

Your children will assume the divorce is their fault. You can use your kids’ assumption to keep their behavior in line. If you keep them believing they will be stuck in this chaos unless they get off to college, they likely will work hard to succeed in school and athletics.

Inconsistently praise them and their involvement in whatever activities they love. Alternate that with degrading comments about them and their pursuits. Let them know that the only way to show you love is to give up the relationship with your ex (their mom or dad).

I should warn that this approach can have mixed results. One possible result is that they will overachieve and look outwardly successful for quite a while until a depression hits and turns their attention to a creative pursuit such as comedy. Then they will be out late at bars, around people who are not good influences on them. They will lose all their close relationships over and over because of this type of rearing. Another possible outcome is that they turn to drugs as early as they can get their hands on them (probably middle school). This ultimately triggers a mental breakdown or schizophrenic episode, etc., which fully limits their ability to function normally. Or, your child may pursue financial success over everything else in life and develop a drinking habit to cope with the fact that he cannot stand the life he built that he thought he was supposed to have. Other outcomes are possible, too.

Some say it is worth the risk.

The nice thing about this post is that it’s likely that both my parents will think that it is about the other parent and get a good laugh. The mystery remains as to who it’s about. And they will probably laugh at that, too. Because they think they know.