My own little runaway bride story

I loved him a lot, otherwise we never would have been together. I am grateful for everything I learned by being in a relationship with him. I adored his family and close friends. I desperately wanted to push through my desire to leave because we wanted so many of the same things in life and our lifestyles lined up so well. We loved to be active and eat well and we loved learning about health and wellness. We both wanted to start a family of our own. We even moved to Florida together because we both love the warmth and sunshine.

But, it was not a healthy relationship. And because it takes two to create an unhealthy relationship, I am most curious about my part in the dysfunction. How can I create a new pattern if I cannot understand what I am stitching?

In an effort to please him and make the relationship work:

I quit swing dancing, going to the gym, and performing standup.* He said there were men there.

I let him tell me what was important to me. He said I was too traumatized to know.

I shared more than I wanted to about past relationships. He said he couldn't trust me if I didn't.

I moved into his apartment, met his family, and slept with him before I felt ready He said I’d always be scared to do these things.

I went on his bike trips that I did not want to go on and I missed trips to see my sister. He said I had to make him my priority.

I planned a wedding I did not want. He said I needed to compromise.

I spent Sundays alone, started hiding my writing from him, and I stopped telling him how I genuinely felt. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

And then I left him, but I returned to myself.

I tried to leave early on in the relationship. I woke up morning after morning, thinking I should leave. My reasoning was clouded by his manipulation and I did not yet trust myself. He understood how devastating my past was and told me I would always want to leave relationships because of my past. I believed him and this made it harder for me to see my own truth. I consistently made his truth more important than my own.

Eventually, I didn’t feel like I was living my life. I was walking around in a haze, confused, distanced from my truest version of myself. We were living a version of what he thought life should look like. It didn’t seem like it was what he really wanted either.

I drove away from the home and life we set up together in Orlando the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We were supposed to be married in a small ceremony that Saturday, but I finally trusted myself enough to leave. I now know it was not a healthy relationship, and that my body knew that before I could consciously understand it.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. To anyone who stays in something dysfunctional, I completely understand why you do. I had a whole life set up in Florida, and we were planning to start a family soon. I did not know where I would live or what I would do for work as my sister and I drove towards Minnesota. I still do not know what will be on the other side of this and the uncertainty is one of the hardest parts. But I can trust myself again, and to me, that feels invaluable.

*I quit standup for a variety of reasons. I am happy with the decision now because the lifestyle of standup doesn’t align with how I want to live. I started to feel like I was just selling drinks (and I don’t even drink) and connecting with strangers instead of building close relationships. But at the time, it was traumatic because I felt I had to choose between standup and him. He told me I couldn’t go to a party with my comedian friends otherwise he would leave me. So I guess that is why it felt that way. Needless to say, there were some red flags early on in this relationship.