Managing Money (and relationships)

I never learned much about money because my student loan debt felt too overwhelming and impossible to overcome. I did not want to look directly at my bank accounts, my debt, and my savings because it made me uncomfortable to see how little I made compared to how massive my debt was. I thought I might never fully understand money or get away from the anxiety I felt around it. Somehow, I picked up the message that my future husband would manage my money and financial health. That was a "man's job," I subconsciously had learned. It is possible my child self thought this because my dad is a financial advisor, so managing money was the job of the man I knew best. However, after my last relationship, I realized money was a source of anxiety simply because I never learned enough about it. And not learning about money was disempowering for me and for women in general.

I do know some things about money. I have avoided credit card debt because I know that is expensive. Since taking on my undergraduate student loan debt, I have done everything possible to avoid even low-interest debt. When I started making more money, I paid off my student loan debt as aggressively as possible.

But, there are a lot of things I did not know about money. I am learning about the stock market and why we should be saving and investing and how we should save and invest to help our money grow. The most important thing I did not understand about money was that how a person thinks about money is actually the most important part of managing money. Reading The Psychology of Money was very helpful for comprehending this concept.

This January, I received a letter from the Department of Education stating that my petition to wipe out my student debt from Augsburg University had been accepted. I was part of the Sweet v. McMahon Settlement. I originally filed this petition in 2020 and had been denied. I imagined that was the end of that and I would have to dutifully pay down my $77,000ish in loans I had taken out for Augsburg for as many years as it would take. I had about $35,000 left to pay when I found out that the remaining debt would be forgiven and I would receive a refund of the money I had paid towards that debt. I received a $23,000 check in July, just before moving back to Minnesota. I am unsure of how the Department of Education and lawsuit worked out that amount (even as persistent as I am, I could not get in touch with anyone who was able to answer this question) but I am incredibly grateful for it. The timing of this was a miracle for me. I was leaping into the unknown to make the move back to Minnesota and totally unsure of how I would support myself in that move when this check fell into my lap.

Now, you might think, "Ah, now all of Lauren's money anxieties are probably resolved since she is debt-free." And if you thought that, that would make sense so I cannot blame you, but you would be wrong. The habit of worrying about money is so engrained so it unfortunately did not disappear when the debt was suddenly gone. I received the check and was perplexed. I wondered, "What do I do with this? Do I spend it, put it towards my nursing education, invest it? Do I keep it in my savings account if I save it?"

I am studying how to manage my money, so I do not feel as intimidated in the future when good or bad things happen with money. For now, I am doing a mix of things with the check I received. A big chunk of it supported my move across the country. I was able to pay for my nursing prerequisites this fall and I will be able to cover tuition costs for my nursing program. I had no idea how I would support myself and this dream of changing careers after leaving my ex. My ex led me to believe I would not be able to pursue nursing if I left him and I did fear I might not be able to financially manage it on my own. I had no idea how I would pay for my move back to Minnesota, other than by leaning on family. This check was like God or the universal good in this world (or whatever you like to call this force) saying, "Hey, I just want to show you that you do not have to depend on assholes or controlling people to chase your dreams. I have your back." I also was able to buy a new bike since my ex held onto the road bike he had "gifted" me when we were together.

Below is a post I wrote about a month before I planned to marry my ex. I changed his name now to allow him privacy. Reading it now, I can see that I subconsciously knew some things I was not quite ready to acknowledge then.

Accepting Support (written October 2024)

I have been working on our “low maintenance” wedding this week. Low maintenance is in quotes because weddings seem to be more maintenance than I am interested in no matter how low. I thought it would be cool if we could go to the courthouse or skip getting married before having kids. Like most folks, I instinctively try to avoid things that might bring up old pain. I knew getting married would stir up some painful emotions but planning for the wedding surprised me with those emotions early on.

I cried today and yesterday for reasons that were not immediately clear. After writing out my thoughts, I realized I was struggling to accept financial support from my dad and my partner.

My family and George's family offered to pay for our wedding. And George offered to help me pay off my student loan. I wish I could say I accepted these generous gifts joyously and graciously. Instead, I got angry and then I became sad.

My original thoughts + my thoughts on my thoughts:

· “Why is my dad giving me money now that I am getting married? I could have used that money years ago to pay off my debt. Why am I only gifted money this way when a man would control what happens with it?” This is a cultural question I cannot easily answer. In full transparency, my dad is incredibly generous and gave me money to help cover rent costs when I was between jobs, so this issue is nuanced.

· “I am capable of paying off my debt on my own, so accepting help is accepting that I am not capable of paying it off.” Once written out, it is easy to see that this thought is untrue. I wanted my effort and commitment to be the reasons I was debt-free, not a bailout. I have worked hard and sacrificed to be where I am financially. A self-imposed spending freeze allowed me to pay off $15k of my debt in the last few months. The truth is that it will be the generosity of others, alongside my hard work which will eventually allow me to be debt free. Shockingly, the hardest task I have now is to accept help and let go of the reasons why I shouldn’t.

· “I do not want to be like my mom. She expects support, while she does not work and makes no effort to support herself.” I rationally understand that she follows this path due to her mental illness. Even knowing that, the fear of being like her lives on in my head, waiting to get stirred up in moments like these. But I know I am not my mother and trust that I can move beyond this limiting thought.

· “George is helping me pay off my debt to control me.” In my family of origin, money was used to control others and to show love. When I was young, I could get money from my dad if I did what he wanted and left my mom to live with him. I believed I could show my mom I loved her by refusing to live with my dad and refusing to accept money from my dad. At that time, I believed that accepting money from my dad also meant that I condoned anything he did to hurt my mom. I did not want to take my dad’s money or show or tell my dad I loved him because I thought it meant I would lose my mom.

I am sure I will uncover more as I work through these things, but that is what I have for now. I am curious if others struggle to accept support, too.

Reading this post from fall 2024 now, I know that my ex was using money to control me and that was one of the reasons I left him. I now know I can trust my anxiety around money to guide me. I did not need to take my ex's money for my debt or accept money from my dad for that wedding. Neither of those things were in my best interest, or even my ex's best interest. If one of us was not happy, there is no way the relationship could be great.

My ex asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement the week before we planned to be married. I was in a very vulnerable place financially. I had recently left a job that was overly demanding and was working hard to find something new. My ex had been established in his career for years, was debt free and had a retirement savings account he apparently did not want to share with me if we were to separate after getting married. If we ever separated, he wanted me to pay him back for my student loans I previously thought he was so generously planning to help me pay.

I knew if I had a child with this man and ever chose to leave him, I would be stuck paying him a huge amount of money. It would be a lever that would help to keep me trapped. If I left, I would be incredibly financially vulnerable, just like my mom had been when she left my dad. I knew a kind and loving partner would not put me in a situation to have to make a decision like this just a week before our wedding.

Three months before our wedding date, I mentioned creating a pre-nuptial together because I knew my ex cared a lot about money and I wanted to show him that I was not just with him for his money. But George ignored me. I would have been fine signing a pre-nuptial if I had time to understand what the pre-nuptial agreement would mean for me and for us.

At first, I said I needed to talk to my own lawyer to sign the pre-nuptial agreement. I had no idea what I was doing and felt immensely stressed because of how short notice this all was. George got me a lawyer through his lawyer. The lawyer he got me told me that it is unlikely that this agreement would hold up in court because I was put under such stress when it was drafted and did not have time to consider its implications.

Then my ex began discussing the pre-nuptial privately with his mom and lawyer friend. The conversation was not between me and George. Suddenly, I felt like an outsider and a pawn; like I was there for George to accomplish his dream of having a family. If I could no longer make that dream come true for him, then he did not want to feel like I "used" him or his money. It felt so inhumane.

So, I said no to signing a pre-nuptial agreement. I simply did not have time to make sense of it and felt that as it was drafted now, it was unfair to me. He asked if I would agree to pay him back for whatever he helped me pay. I signed a note he wrote on a yellow legal pad saying I would pay him back if we married and ever separated.

And then I realized I did not want to get married. He said we did not have to get married, we could stay home and work this out. But after that painful experience, I knew with every cell in my body that I did not want to be with a man who could treat me that way when I was vulnerable.

And when I got my student loan refund, my ex was the first person I paid back for anything I owed him. I think I'm finally free.