Life and tech update

I have been making so many changes as I work through my first year of recovery from codependency. Every day, I see more ways I betray myself to please someone else. My inner voice seems to be getting stronger the more I listen to it.

I have a new dream of being a well-rested woman. I unfortunately keep placing activities in the way of this dream and I am curious why I do that. Maybe as my self esteem grows stronger, I will feel more comfortable with rest. I know that culturally, women are taught that being overtired and overbooked is normal. But what if I did less and slept more? Would I feel more like myself? After years of trying to bend to so many outside expectations, I want to find out.

This past week, I finally acknowledged I would have to let go of doing the group runs and racing if I genuinely want to be well-rested. I had been waking up early to go to the runs after staying up late to do standup. Of course, I could give up standup, but I now know I do not want to do that.

I disappointed the race team when I pulled out of the race in Chicago I had said I would do and I felt uncomfortable all day after disappointing them. My knee injury flared up when I got back from my trip to Florida. My knee might have been able to handle the race but instead of plowing through and risking making the injury worse, I listened to my new body. I knew that even if my knee could handle it, I would not have enough energy to travel to the race and to keep performing standup.

After deciding not to join the group long run for the first time this morning, I slept almost ten hours. My body finally had space to rest.

In January, I decided not to pursue nursing because I would have to be too poor and stressed to finish another degree. I also would not have had time or energy for my creative pursuits. My ex was correct that it would be hard for me to pursue nursing if I left him. Although I initially felt really sad about this, I chose to trust myself and pass up my spring admission to the nursing program. There was some quiet part of me that felt I would someday be happy I pursued standup instead of nursing.

After four months with a dumb phone and six months without social media, I transferred my service back to my smart phone and I started a new Instagram account.

On two separate occasions, a man thought that I was hitting on him when I asked for his number to invite him to my next show. After the second time, I resigned to the fact that Instagram works a lot better for this type of communication.

When I was booked on shows, the people who ran the shows had a hard time communicating with me. Group messages for shows often are on social media, with all the performers in one group. Many updates to other shows and open mics are also posted on social media.

I started to miss other conveniences of smart phones, too. When I knew I was traveling to Florida to visit friends, I imagined how hard it would be to stay up to date on flight changes (mine ended up being delayed going both ways), grab an uber, and navigate my way around an unfamiliar city. When I was in Florida, I drove all the way to Ocala (using Google maps) to do a set on a show I had booked through a comedy friend (on Instagram), so I was happy I had my smart phone up and running by then!

I do not like how Instagram has pulled my brain in, even after 6 months away from it. It is not as alluring as it once was, but I still find myself getting distracted there if I get a notification to check a message. I am exploring ways to manage and reduce the temptation to log on and check in there. For now, I deleted Instagram from my phone and only have access to it on my computer. I sometimes download it if I am heading out to a show and need to use it to post or communicate.

I still am very passionate about digital ethics, so I will continue to learn more about how to keep life feeling balanced and in alignment with my personal values, even if I am using these technologies.