Knee Pain + Comedy
My knee swelled a couple days after I practiced a swing dancing spin at home. I felt a pinch and some pain when it happened but it was the swelling that scared me. I have had lots of knee pain before, but I had never been able to push fluid around the joint before. So, I made an orthopedic appointment.
The team there did an X-ray. Of course they did not see anything on this X-ray, but this is part of how insurance processes things and doctors probably make more money if they take these images. And to be kind to the doc, I will admit, there could have been something broken there or some osteoarthritis he wanted to rule out. The doctor suggested an expensive MRI to be sure it was a meniscus tear. I wondered why the doc couldn't just refer me to physical therapy. By all the physical examinations, he could pretty comfortably make that diagnosis.
After leaving the appointment, I wondered why I would follow traditional medicine to heal this injury when I already knew that had not worked in the past. I think my brain just took me to that office because I have insurance. But this morning I woke up realizing I could trust my body to get what it needs to heal.
In 2019, just before I started standup comedy, I went in to get my knee checked out. I had taken almost a year off of running because of knee pain. In 2018, when I was goofing around on a water slide, I tore part of my hamstring and probably the meniscus on that same side. The hamstring attachment point hurt so badly, I could not even feel the knee pain until I tried to return to running. The inactivity seemed to have made the joint pain far worse.
The doctor I initially saw told me I should never run again and then referred me to a surgeon. She could not understand why this would have made me cry so hard. She had no idea how much of my life running had consumed.
Thankfully, the surgeon she referred me to thought that physical therapy could allow me to return to activity and he suggested that I return to activity that way before trying surgery. He was right. But I had to pursue alternative treatments with a chiropractor and massage therapist to be able to return to activity. I have had so many years of pain-free running since that time. From time to time, my knee aches as I return to activity after a break, but I learned how strength around the joint (and myofascial release) can heal. And I learned something I did not expect.
The knee injury stirred up emotions I had avoided feeling, particularly anger. I had drowned out my wants and needs with running and ignored my protective anger. When I could no longer run, I had no choice but to sit with the anger and take action to address many issues I had in my life. I had to let go of dysfunctional relationships and speak up about what bothered me.
In early 2020, I submitted a request to have my student loan debt forgiven under the borrower defense application. My anger about how wrong the student-debt trap was led me to this action. I felt so uncomfortable speaking up about this, but in 2025, my debt was forgiven.
In 2020, I stopped caring for my mentally-ill mother. I stopped financially supporting her and slowly had less and less contact with her. I was finally angry enough to protect myself from her attacks. My anger allowed me to overcome her years of guilting me into caring for her emotionally. My anger helped me break free.
And in 2020, I started doing standup. It was one of the first times in my life I felt like I was doing something I wanted to do with my life. It was something I had been drawn to, something I did of my own accord. In fact, many people around me thought it was a terrible idea for me to do standup and that I should not be out at bars late at night for such things.
One of those folks was my controlling ex. I have to give him some grace because I know people control out of their own sense of insecurity. I know this from trying to control people myself. Anyway, he did not want me to do standup. He thought I should get back into running. I love running, so it is not too difficult to convince me to get more into running. However, I did notice some resistance in my body. Maybe I knew I would hurt myself again if I did too much. I allowed the negative parts of standup to drown out what I love about it and I let standup go. In a codependent act, I let go of standup and poured myself into running again.
A few weeks ago, when I injured my knee again with this spin move, I found myself meandering back to an open mic. When I went there, I found I am terribly rusty at performing standup, but I also found a community of creative people I love that I left behind to be with my ex. I found a renewed connection to a creative pursuit I did not realize I missed so much. Yes, I am out late at bars when I do not even drink. But, I get a chance to connect people and bring joy.
I booked an appointment for a doctor in Traditional Chinese Medicine and will order the Knees Over Toes Guy training program, instead of doing an MRI. And I will keep going out and bombing on the stage until I feel led a different direction again. And I won't date someone who nudges me away from doing what I love. That has lost its appeal for me, thank goodness.
And thank goodness for knee pain for guiding me on my way. I will admit when I first experienced it, I did not think I could make it through the pain. I did not think I could tolerate a life without running. But, it has become one of my greatest teachers. And I believe I will still be able to run.