Codependence Recovery Attempt #2

I walked myself into a Codependents Anonymous meeting late in 2020, fresh off a breakup.

In early 2020, I finally stopped caring for my mentally-ill mother. Shortly after that, I found myself in another codependent relationship. My new partner also struggled with mental illness and slowly nudged me into a relationship with him. I thought he was just helping me with my comedy writing when he was actually working on dating me. If he had asked me out like a normal person, I would have said "no," but he was funny, so I stayed around him and let myself slide into a relationship I did not really want. I allowed him to move in with me because he did not have a job. When that relationship ended, I had some fuzzy awareness that I had a problem, so that is when I showed up to a CoDA meeting. I wanted to figure out why I managed to get my mom off of my income and emotional support load to find a replacement for her chaos in only a few short months.

Unfortunately, at that time, I thought I was not as bad off as the folks I listened to at the first CoDA meeting and I never returned to the group. I now know that I was in a worse situation than those folks were at that time, because I was not ready to confront my issues. "I think you have to be a little codependent to have a relationship," I thought to myself and absentmindedly meandered off into a new relationship. Instead of staying with the group, I found myself a different dysfunctional, codependent relationship. Or, it might be more appropriate to say that it found me.

I again found myself confused about how my next relationship started as I had said no to dating this person so many times before he kissed me without my acceptance. My codependent behaviors kept me around him even when he violated my boundaries. We had been spending time together, but I did not think we would be a good match. He lived at home with his parents when we met. I froze when he kissed me and I thought, "Well I guess we are dating now." That is an oversimplification, but basically, I understood that he really wanted me so I must be missing something because I was not particularly wanting him back. I was not able to trust myself at this time and I was lonely after leaving my first ex after ending my relationship with my mom. This guy had me on a pedestal at first and that really filled my holes for a little while.

Anyone watching me go from codependent relationship to codependent relationship was becoming sick with frustration (mostly my sister, but also some of my comedy friends). They would watch and I would feel me leave parts of myself behind to care for or please whoever I ended up with. All my other relationships would suffer each time I would get into a new romantic relationship. And each relationship, there had been some part of me fighting, not wanting me to get into the relationship. I was not able to listen to and trust that part of me and I could not understand why. I felt powerless to other peoples' whims, particularly in romantic relationships.

When the second relationship after leaving my mom ended, I switched to online dating. Maybe that was my problem, I incorrectly thought. Maybe I was dating the wrong types of guys because I wasn't going out and finding a better fit for myself on the dating apps. I had allowed guys around me to bulldoze me into relationships, so maybe I could find my solution to my problems on an app.

I found someone who was the complete opposite of the second guy I dated after leaving my mom. My third ex after my mom was financially stable, dark and handsome (not tall), but physically fit. He wanted to start a family, too. Check, check, and check. However, I genuinely thought he might be gay. When we met, I wrote down in my journal that this guy was so handsome he made me nervous but I was pretty sure he was gay, so it would probably not go anywhere. As I went along in the relationship, he became quite controlling and manipulative, but this felt homey to me. My family had created a similar dynamic for me when I was growing up.

As I write this now, somehow, something released. Like a little self forgiveness popped through. A sense that no matter who this person would have been or why I had not listened to my own instincts and needs at so many different points in these relationships, I was able to learn what I needed to. I could only understand these things when I was ready, when I had enough. For some reason, this third ex after my mom was the deliverer of the lesson I needed to get myself into recovery again. And it seems there was not much I could do to speed my learning along, as much as I always prefer to already be learned and educated. I could not decide which life I was born into.

I walked myself back into a CoDA meeting October 6th, 2025 (last week). I felt dizzy and nervous. I wanted to be there because I knew it could help me but it felt wildly uncomfortable. Everyone who shared stories could have easily swapped out their name for mine and told my story without even knowing me.

This time, I am committing myself to the process to see if I can make some changes. I know I am the only consistent person in all my stories of dysfunction. I will have to change myself if I want to have healthier relationships. I predict it will not be so easy to change, but I believe it will be worth it. I hope to live a life that is in alignment with what I value instead of with what someone else tells me to value. I hope to care for myself, instead of pouring myself into someone else and shaping my identity around their vision for life.

I look forward to the day I no longer think about how my ex would think about how I am living. He is the most recent dictator I gave authority over my life, so it is hard not to consider his view I have internalized. But, I trust in time, this will fade. My dream is to be able to no longer outsource my ideas about how to live to another person, but rather to my highest version of myself and a higher power. What good is it to live a long life if you are living someone else's idea of what your life should be?